Experiment 4: Friendship

I made sense of something today.

Driving home up I-29, past the idea of coffee while walking on the street in the rain
And smoking in my car the same cigarette I smoked in my daydream,

With the bent-up end and hook for a tip that will fall off (god I hope) after

the construction is through so I can hit it,

I tried to create the weekend in my head.

Nathan is a tall man, to me. He has always been a man when I have known him;

I do not think we would have been friends in high school when we were boys.

I'm jealous of his easy blondbrown hair and sometimes I wonder

If he can see his body in space the way I can -- I feel as if he should.

(Note A: remember seeing on a television in a hotel in Parkston, SD when I was 8That 90% of gunfighters had blue eyes. Detail unconfirmed, but interesting)

(Note B: "like" is 2 strong of a metaphor, almost always. 2 feel "like" something is either an abnegation of the thing itself (If I feel "like" I'm on fire, wht does that do 2 those who R? prbly a diff. ? altogether)

She was always the other, the one presumed to know,

And still is; but I do not want to know exactly.

How vicarious is it to want to watch someone read?

(Note c, mark 4 further investigation -- 2 watch sum1 do something of interest,2 cook, 4 example, or build a shed, or fuck -- -takes both desire of & desire 4.)

I take nothing away by trying to see how she reads. I can't tell what she reads

When she looks at me.

She does not occupy space. Once I had a fervent desire

To touch a spot where she had reclined, because I did not think

It would be warm or have the impress of body.

Their son

(Note d, but also e. - does exposition form narrative?)

is Adamic. I have an urge to talk also with him.

What would I say? I got high marks on an evaluation. It meant a lot.

It was good enough I couldn't show it to anyone. I showed one line and was embarrassed.

I want to say that I might be in love. Love of a measurable, quantifiable angle,

That would let me fawn, over someone they know. That I could give it up.

And won't.

That I've gotten over wanting things.

That it makes me want them more than ever.

Nathan, forgive me; your coffee is weaker than that I make. And better,

because it is measured not by how many times I can refill the pot

or by the way it keeps me up.

Its why I don't ask for more coffee, ever, except in a restaurant;

Exactly because I won't stop if I start to want again.

All this, and seeing bodies, and all I made sense of

Was how much I liked the train

(nb (note f) -- wld I lk real trains?Not rlly, I think. I h8 horses 2nb (note f) -- would I like real trains?

Not really, I think. I hate horses too

That sometimes gallop at me in dreams. I still wake up

Sweating and in tears. I found this morning that I've started bleeding

From one ear canal. Check on this.)

of cars compressed

Like we were into the one-lane track of earlier years

and I feel like

We all slowed to 55, and now I don't want

To ever lose sight of a bumper.